I want this conversation to be honest. I’m a big fan of honesty and I’ve prided myself on “rendering to Caesar” and teaching my children the importance of being truthful and straightforward. But honesty is hard, and sometimes cruel and often hurtful to the ones we love. We have to grapple with the valid question about sharing, honestly, our truth while exposing others. Can I practice “do no harm” and honestly write about the struggles I face within myself, my family and my community? I can only try.
Let me start with I am exhausted. Not tired or worn out or weary. Exhausted. I have just finished moving off of a hilly seven acre property in Ben Lomond, California. Most of the move was handled by me because most of the decisions had to be made by me. The property was purchased back in 1996 when my husband was alive and thrilled to have purchased what he considered his final earthly home. Little did he know that in less than three years he would go to his final earthly home…but it happened to be down the road at the Felton Cemetary. Left with three teenagers and a place that was no dream of mine, I settled in to an uneasy relationship with Brooks Road. This is not the time or place to write of those years, but I will say it got more complicated and more challenging as time went on. Just being honest here. So, moving after 23 year years was a monstrous task and one that I welcomed in a bittersweet way–minus the actual task of doing the work. I handed over the keys to an empty house in mid-July and am now gratefully renting a room from my daughter, Megan, and her family while they prepare to sell their house with the notion of us looking for a larger place together. As much a this sounds like a fine plan, it still finds me feeling like I’m pushing a boulder up hill.
One of the most annoying things about exhaustion is the way it steals one’s sense of humor. I have always relied on humor (white or black, they’ve both served me well) to help me through the dark days of grief and struggle. I want it back! And I’m ready to fight for it! So, if only for a short time (there is property to search for after all) I’m going to head out onto the road and see if I can coax my shoulders down from my ears and find my smile and perhaps even an accompanying laugh or two.